I was recently reading an article
from a gentleman named Larry Wilson who wrote a book titled "When
Life Doesn't Turn Out the Way You Expect." It was an article God
knew I needed to read. Since Jamie died, I've been working a
12-step program. No, not for drug or alcohol dependence - but to
enable me to move out of grief - one step at a time. I'm on step
nine. Making direct amends to such people wherever possible, except
when to do so would injure them or others." I will not go into the
12 steps now - suffice it to say, that the twelve step program is a
very powerful, spiritual program to get one through one's darkest
hour. Jamie's death being mine.
In this article, Wilson asked a group of people when the 'God
Moment' was - that told them it was time to move on into their
future instead of holding on to their past. I realized that mine
was today. I was lying on my bed, doing deep breathing exercises to
help me relax when I suddenly realized I was holding on guilt for
several things surrounding Jamie and her drug and alcohol addictions
(which I strongly believe contributed to her untimely death.)
I was holding on to guilt for not having gotten her help several
times, thinking that had I intervened earlier, perhaps there might
have been a different ending. The words formed in my mind, " My
God. Could we have saved her? Maybe? If only we had ..." Fill in
the blank.
Then the answer came clearly to me. "No. You could not save her
from herself. "
"But, I feel so badly. I miss her. I saw so much in her ..."
"Let it go."
"It's past. You can't change it. She's with me. Let it go. For
your own sake. Accept what you did and what you did not do. Own
it."
Jamie,
I'm sorry honey. I shoulda been a better mom.
Pay it forward, Mama. Pay it forward. Don't keep reaching back
to me. I'm in your future now. Give all you would have given me to
my babies. To others who need. Remember mama? Pay it forward.
But Jamie, had I done more ...
No, mama, no. Trust God with this one, mom. Accept the help
you need. Don't go it alone. Walk on, mama. What is the song you
have been listening to?
You'll never walk alone.
And what are the words?
And, as I go to google, to find the lyrics, I find a page with
a white bird flying across the bottom of the page, and remember the
white feather on my glove today. I smile through my tears.
When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
It's time mom. It's time. You'll never walk alone. God has you
by your right hand. Remember what Sebastian said. "My mommy is in
three places. She is in the grave. She is in heaven. And she's in
my heart". I'm always and forever in your heart, mom. Move on.
Don't' hold on anymore. Let it go. It's time..
I know honey. <through tears> I know. I've known for a while, I
just didn't want to feel I was leaving you behind.
You're not, mom. Not really. It's how it's meant to be. I love
you, mom.
I love you, Jaybird.
Mama?
Yes, Honey?
Pay it forward.
